Saturday, May 5, 2012
Knowing and not knowing
How do we know when we really know? There was really a huge difference between the BEFORE DIAGNOSIS, and AFTER.
Are we to accept knowledge or to question? Just because the scan show that I have tumors, why has everything changed? Is it because of the knowledge that brain metastases is dangerous, life threatening? To me, emotion or the non physical aspect takes up at least 50% of this journey. It's not a battle for cancer, but it's a journey to explore the truth, as it presents. As most people have their own believe systems, and versions of truth, which they will try to share and influence others, out of good intention. However, whose version is right, and how are we to judge?
2 weeks ago, I went to a herbal specialist. He is well published, and has done ample research on cancer. He started asking about my records, and criticising about the treatment I have been taking, citing cases of deaths, as a results of the treatment. While I do not question his good intention, I doubt his confidence in his own herbs/medication. Surely, he has some failures, as he has his successes with patients. It is not that I do not believe in him, but still I questioned(in my heart) the version of truth that he knows.
My friends took me to Taiping to look for Mr Liew who initiated the Sabah Snake Grass. It's a plant which save lots of cancer patients. Again, I do not doubt the truths behind those stories. I have been told to consume some 300 leaves daily with green apple- something I read since a year ago, and have intermittently tried. It's a green drink which will cleanse the system and shrink the tumor. Again, I am sure it has worked for many, and I have had it for about 2 weeks now. In the past 2 weeks, I have felt better than when I first started my treatment but how do I know if it has worked?
My doctor is happy with my "progress" or non deteriorating state. I'm happy that I do not need radiotherapy(which demands for daily visit to hospital). While patients are told there's no or minimal side effects, why risk?
What I know now that I didn't know before, was that I get a lot of attentions and loves from family member, friends and relatives! It's amazing how others would be extra nice. I also know that I do not know many things, like how long we will live, and if there is after life. It does not matter if I do not know, but just be thankful for everyday.
Maybe at my dying bed, I will find the truth, or maybe I won't. It does not matter.
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In the face of uncertainly, often time, dogmatic mode of thinking become an escape. While we have good intention to do good, we also need to do it from the place of compassion, and be mindful that compassion is enlightened by wisdom. These various scientists and doctors are only doing what they think their best are, to cure, to treat, to explore a solution. Don't be stress up or upset by their aggressive behavior, if there were any. Thank them for the fact that they care, for their commitment to try, to experiment, to share. At the same time, we are doing our best, to live well, to take care of ourselves, to explore the meaning of happiness. The Tibetan Buddhist teacher, Matthieu Ricard says, compassion is a skill. We need to cultivate compassion every day. It is a life discipline. Perhaps, caring of oneself is also a skill, a skill we need to cultivate every day. It is a life discipline. Although I am a Christian, my faith in God never forbid me to seek wisdom in life. Never give up hope. Have faith in your self, in the universe, in kindness and compassion. I am offering you love to heal.
ReplyDelete:-) I read this together with Raijeli, our Fijian friend on Skype the other day, and she was telling me such funny stories about you Yin San, and the time you stayed with her and M in Manila. We really had a good laugh remembering all your fun, loveable and typically YS ways!
ReplyDeleteWhat you're experience as everyone's outpouring of niceness to you, is simply what they have felt all along but never expressed, and having a grim diagnosis like metastasis, they are just letting the floodgates of love that have for you open. So its all real and its all flowing in your direction, my dear!
And I'd say the non-physical aspects of our experience of anything, including cancer, is really what shapes the experience...so encountering that stream of emotions and thoughts that bubble and connect with so much else is really where Truth is found...and the stiller we are, the more we can decipher what that means to each of us. The interesting thing with a illness like cancer and its sometimes grim prognosis, is how we are actually drawn to being still, perhaps for the first time, and then we can actually encounter our own thoughts and emotions in a much raw-er and deeper way - and connect with our own Truths. Love, Susanna
Nice... and I agree: "It does not matter".
ReplyDeleteWhat I know (according to my own experience only) is that if it hadn't been for chemo (long-term treatment which I am still undergoing, even though with reduced dosage now) I wouldn't probably be alive right now and enjoying a quality of life good enough that I can't complain. So, I am very grateful to chemo, even though I don't like having it (I have never met anyone who does).
The complementary things that I do help nourish my mind and body, as we are a whole. Meditation helps me in the same way as eating healthy. So I try to do both everyday, among other things. I eat healthy but trying not to lose weight so that my body keeps strong.
When I was younger I used to think of cancer as the worst that could happen to me... now I am still amazed at how many good things, not tangible, cancer has given me. Elisabet.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Lee
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