Tokyo life

Am getting better at making the soup. Today's soup have 9 ingredients : garlic, onion, ginger, cucumber, carrot, sweet potato, leeks, pumpkin, and edamame!

Have been cooking almost everyday, and I could now cook soup, eat and wash within 1 hour.

Went to Malaysian restaurant yesterday, a very tiny one with only 2 tables with 4 seats each, and a bar counter with 5 seats so 13 in total. The chef is from Ipoh and the assistant from Penang. The dishes were quite good but rather oily for me. My Japanese friends loved the food - broccoli, bak kut teh, steam fish, and nasi goreng. I told the chef (before eating) that I do not miss Malaysian food, nor Malaysia. As Tokyo is such a liveable city, if you can survive the high living cost. I live 2 minutes or 150 steps from the metro station, and the transport system is so efficient that it could take you to almost anywhere, pomptly. So, people here are punctual, and polite. With my limited Japanese, I get by, waiting for winter to arrive, and maybe I will miss Malaysia then.

Tokyo observations

Pictures of a public toilet which has features like temperature control, options of sprinkling, rinsing, drying, etc. In some, the toilet cover opens up as you enter, and there is a button for toilet music (sound of water) to cover the noise of you might be making.

1. Public transport including buses are punctual.
2. People are on time, polite with good sense of mutual respect.
3. Strong culture of reading and massive information consumption - newspaper circulation is top in the world, free fliers/pamphlets/maps are available everywhere, mangga/cartoon is popular, various magazines with new arrivals on a daily basis, and volumes of books available. (Almost every other person I met has published something, either books, articles, cartoons, or has an exhibits of art piece or photos, or produced films, plays, etc)
4. Safest place I have seen so far. Lost/found items are usually returned to owner. Low crime rate. Kids commuting/walking to school on their own and women traveling alone at night.
5. High tech toilets and well maintained facilities.

Autumn/秋（あき）

Autumn is here. Weather is turning cold. My hair has grown over an inch(somehow white one outgrows the black ones, which kind of make sense because it is because of their rapid metabolism that they turn white first), and half my nail is turning pinkish, edging the yellowish/dark colour part out of the way.

Many are concerned about my health. I felt healthy before the diagnosis and I feel healthy now, except with occassional tingling pain around the area of surgery.

Just enjoying the journey, whether I was in an interview, or working with colleagues/volunteers/friends, or learning Japanese. There is no distinction between work and play anymore, because I am enjoying the process...

Merdeka

Exactly a year ago on this date, I was working on the deadline for the API proposal. It was a significant date, not only because it was the National Day for Malaysia, but it was also the day where Japanese nation casted their votes to put the then opposition party, the Democratic Party of Japan(DPJ) in power, after being ruled by the Liberal Democratic Party(LDP) for almost the entire period. Little did I know when I decided to apply for API a week prior to the deadline that it would be a very significant date, not just for Japan, but for myself. A quick, last minute decision, with some determination and passion, lots of help from friends (especially the one who was awarded the previous year), the proposal was made. A year later, here I am now, in Japan, to implement the proposed project.

What happened in the past one year was history but life has taken a new form since. In the past, work took precedence of almost everything because of the fixed hours and the instinctive nature to excel. Now, the project is the core of my life, but the approach is totally different. This time, I focus on living, and not doing. I enjoy the moments instead of trying to do everything. Somehow, things work well, without me doing too many things, and without me trying too hard to prove myself.

My time is spent on researching, reading, learning, networking, observing, reflecting, and shooting or interviewing is only part of the process. Not forgetting also marketing(bargain hunting for groceries), cooking, eating, washing, commuting and sleeping which remains the basic maintenance of life.

Sometimes, things happen in such that it seems to leave us with no choice, but it is in living each moment, through the choices we make or do not make, consciously or not, that define who we are.

A Whole New World

In a different country using a different language, learning different culture, I am leading a new life. It's been a great experience since touching down, with lots of action. We have explored almost a few cities, using various types of trains or metro/subway/lines, seeing many places within the past 2 weeks. We have received such warm welcome and made so many good contacts that it feels unreal! Even strangers on the street are so warm and helpful, let alone the new friends we have made.

Too many things happened and I'm sure much more will follow. While being mindful of my body and energy level, I am committed to lead a fruitful journey in the new world.

So, allow me to sign out here, knowing that I am making the best out of each moment. It's been great knowing that many friends back home and abroad have cared for me, and helped me through this difficult journey. It does not mean the journey ahead will be easier, but what's life without the unforseen challenges?

All the best to my friends who read/follow this blog. May you find peace and happiness in each moment....

Counting

Counting down...as tomorrow is to be my last radio session. I've gone for 25 sessions so far, so tomorrow with be 26th, but accoding to the radiologists and the doctor, there will be some boosters, maybe 3 more, so still hopeful to complete whatever "bonus" within this week.

Really looking forward to it. I've been counting in the radio session...around 300 counts with the shield plus 100 counts without the shield. So, about 5 minutes all in, I guess.

If I've summed up all my treatment time, I must have clocked in at least 300 hours(most time are spent waiting), at least 60 hospital visits (including consultation, blood test, chemo, radio), over 20 blood tests, 13 injections(excluding chemo), a few scans, apart from the hard core chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

The lesson learnt... to give it all, to face life, and death, and whatever that comes in between... to just be...

Live Life and Relay for Life

There were 2 events last Saturday, 5th June. In the morning, at Botanical Garden, Mt Mariam organized Survivors' Day with the slogan "Live Life" printed on white T-shirt, and in the evening at Youth Park, there was a huge "Relay For Life" event with hundreds or maybe over thousand people in different colours, orange for survivor, blue, purple, etc...for other organizations.

It's a pity that in both events, there were not a great deal of "public education", apart from one notice board. And CM's speech was just full of chunky phrases like "When I see you, I see life" with little meaning.

Anyway, we all have to live through life on our own strides... and find our own meaning ...

TIME, THOUGHTS and RADIO

What is time? It's a measurement to define each and every moment that we experience. The time when we were born, the time when we are happy, the past, the future, and the present moment.

What's the time now? As we speak, the time changes, moving forward. Often, we say, no time, even when we are alive, and experiencing the moment. We have no time for certain things because we are busy doing other things, which we consciously choose to do, or we habitually do without having to think about it.

The truth is that, even when we die, time continue to exist, as a measurement. What we leave behind, could be memories for some others, or just moments in the past, (whether documented or not), or maybe some waves of thoughts that continue on, and changes along with time.

What is a thought? An idea, or a believe, or something that we experience spiritually (or non physically).
Is it important that we communicate what we are thinking of, or is it possible that the presence of our thoughts in itself is going to have some influence, in however neglegible quantum to this world?

Just like the radiotherapy(I don't know the definition) I am undergoing. Even though we cannot detect the radiowaves with our eyes, we know something is happening(suppose to kill some cells). So, in the same manner, when we all have our thoughts playing, even if others' could not detect it with their ears, they exist(how do we know they don't kill some cells?).

I am playing my internal radio here. You hear it?

Often, we "see" things only from own perspective, without "hearing" others. So, I will try to tune in, and hear you in my next radio session, since I am making you "see" things from my perspective.

Disclaimer: above are based on my definition without checking the dictionary...and I believe deep down, we all know what it is, even though we may define things differently. Who needs the definition of time, thoughts and wavelength anyway?

Radiotherapy

Lying on a metal plate with grids, I was given strict instruction not to move. My left hand was positioned in such where I had to hold on to a rod above my head, so that my elbow formed an L shape. They put marker on my body, as if it will be used as shooting target. They put blanket to cover my legs and my waist. My left chest was exposed. My head was turned to the right side, my chin pushed up. "Don't move. I'll move you but you don't move." They left.

The room is cold. Light blinking. Sound of machine running at the background. Lights off. Lights on. The arm of the machine was being rotated from somewhere, and suddenly appeared beside me, then moved on top, about 2 feet above me, and stopped. Has the radiation started? No idea. More sound from the machine. Lights being turned on. Then off. Machine was rotated again.

Felt like a war victim being kept in a torture room. Especially with my head shaved, my nails bruised, my body used as a target, and put in an awkward captive position. I recited all the prayers that I know...it was definitely a state where I was fully present in the moment, experiencing every details....

Also felt like I was in the machine in Avatar, where I was being transported to another world, transformed into a new body, with new skills and ability I didn't have before. It was a whole new experience, full of excitement and fun! After all, the whole process took only a few minutes while I indulged in my own mental realm.

Pain? A little discomfort. My left hand a little numb, full of energy from the machine, I suppose. 2 down, 24 more days to go to complete the whole course. By the end of all these priviledged sessions, I'm sure I would have developed some super power and start speaking another language!

CT Scan

Good news is CT Scan is clear! All the other details become insignificant, and just happy to know that no bad cells detected, for now. Spent the whole day in the hospital so time for Japanese!

(YH, sumimasen, oshiete kudasai.
Kesa hatchi ji kara yonji han made byoin ni shimashitaka. Soshite, ashita san ji ni byoin e ikimasu.)

COE

A parcel came today on DHL. It has a little note with COE, Certificate of Eligibility, a document issued by Ministry of Justice, Japanese Government. This is required for my VISA application to Japan, under the category of Cultural Activities.

So, I guess this is it. I am going to Japan! Nihon o ikimasu! Well, life is so unpredictable that I can't be sure it will happen until it really happens.

Let's see how the CT scan goes next Tuesday before I apply for VISA. And they want a photo with white background! I wonder if I could use photoshop to change the background or I would have to take a picture with my bald head, and the very few surviving eyebrows(they are countable now).

It's been a long time since I last travel to another country (other than Singapore, which I went for 2nd opinion last November)... it was a year ago...last May, Shanghai Huang Shan trip, and last March Yogyakarta, with beautiful memories. I guess I have a travel bug that outlasts even the strongest medicine, at least the chemo. And this time, it's not just another trip, but a journey which means more than ever...

Chemo Cycle Completed

Did 6 cycles of chemo, 3 weeks apart, started first one on January 15th with weight 50.5kg, yesterday 6th chemo weighing 54.5kg, gaining 4kg in 3.5 months!

It was another long day but much better than the previous one. Suffered from discomfort about 10-15 minutes after they started Taxotere, so requested them to stop, and rested for about 30-45 minutes with saline, while they monitored my heart beat, blood pressure, and did ECG, but without Oxygen this time. Upon recovery, the chemo continued. Am doing surprisingly well today, apart from that funny "metalic" taste in the mouth, no major fatigue. So, I keep drinking water, lemon grass drink, barley, and some fruits. Time to go marketing to replenish carrot and fruits for juices.

Next treatment plan is Radiotherapy (5 weeks x 5 = 25) plus one year Herceptin(every 3 week so 17 cycles). Luckily I have good stamina to go the extra miles...

日本语 o benkyo shimasu

Finally picked up the phone to seek help from a language teacher, after self studying Japanese for about 4 months. Difficult task, but I really enjoy the learning process, and knowing that I am progressing, even though my capacity to memorize is nothing to be proud of, and can't even match my dad's! He learnt basic Japanese some years ago from a book, and I had to consult him from time to time!

It's really fun to be learning a new language, and discover the similarities and differences of one language from another. It wasn't until I start studying Kanji, that I realize that there are so many common words in Japanese as in Chinese, some with similar pronunciation, some with slightly different meaning, and it feels like studying Chinese all over again, as I go through the 500 Basic Kanji. I am wondering what will happen 2000 years from now, if language will converge, or diverse further. And I always wonder since there are so many sophisticated/uncommon vocabs in the dictionary that are not being used in our daily life, will those vocabs become obsolete soon?

With technology, I think in future we will all be "wired" in some way where we don't even have to speak but could use a "translator device" to help us communicate. Until then, I will continue experimenting "absorbing" the knowledge from the book without reading it, and dreaming that I could just speak Japanese once I touch down in Japan!

Gambarimasu!

Pumpkin Soup

Today I made pumpkin soup, and used the blender(the magic bullet) on pumpkin and carrot. Finally got the creamy texture I was looking for! Here's the recipe for yummy pumpkin soup.

First olive oil, garlic and ginger into the pot.
Next the blended pumpkin and carrot, followed by the cut cucumber, tomato and onion. Cook for 10 minutes and it's ready, but I added Quinoa, which takes another 10-15 minutes. It's then ready. I finished the whole pot!

The missing ingredient was sweet potato, so I had tomato instead(since they rhyme) and zucchini, which I replaced with cucumber(they look alike).

Now dinner time, luckily dad's the one cooking!

Zero Interest

Not talking about interest free loan offered to cover the credit card. But about the kitchen. We are all born differently, and I believe in my past life I was an unsuccessful chef who swore that I'll never stepped into the kitchen again.

My motto has been - if I'd have to cook, I'd rather starve. That is really problematic, especially now that I cannot rely on outside food which is full of MSG, and with ingredients beyond my control.

So, imagine me in the kitchen. First washing is relatively easy but not a fan, knowing that worms could come out of the vegetables, or fruits! And after I soak those vegetables and fruits with enzyme, and walk out of the kitchen to do something else, I would have completely forgotten that I have started cooking. Then chopping and preparing, which could potentially be dangerous, as I have cut myself several times in the past while doing it absentmindedly, but with extra care and conscious effort lately, I have survived so far. By the way, my favourite part of cooking is in slamming the garlic! I use a bottle to flatten the garlic so that the skin/peels come out without having to cut it! Next steaming or cooking with pot which sounds very easy but things will go wrong when they do, as I will either forget to put water when steaming, or forget to turn on the switch, or drop something along the way. And finally the food sometimes does not turn out as it should - I put pumpkin cubes in the pot and want it to turn into creamy soup in 5 mintues!

Part of me just resist the act of cooking, which I am learning to embrace, bit by bit. So I start watching cooking show, but end up admiring the kitchen, the host, the ingredient, the process and the food but still with no additional interest in cooking.

I would cook to eat, just as I would eat to live, but I do not live to eat, and definitely not live to cook.

No weight

The doctor reminded me not to carry weight on my left hand, for a very long time. Apparently, they removed the "drainage system" when they removed the lymph node so if I use my muscle, the fluid will build up, and since my body is not able to drain those fluid, it will swell up.

Wish the surgeon explained this better before the surgery.

So, no weight. Not that I need to carry any weight, but I want to! It's weird not being able to move my own things, and to have to depend on others. And I recently realized many of my friends are not suppose to move heavy things as well, either because of their backs, or their other conditions. This is one of those time when you wish to invent anti-gravity. In fact we do have it in us even though we may not know how to use it. Our energy is weightless, or I assume so. Apart from physical strength, we all have hidden energy, which appears in different forms and names, be it thoughts, mind, faith, spirit, soul, etc. When we find a balance point, maybe we can experience weightlessness!

Gender Balance

In the effort to ensure there is gender balance among the school teachers(currently 70% female), the education minister will recruit 50% male teacher.

Just heard 8pm news and I just couldn't believe my ears. The teaching profession is one of the very few areas where women outnumber men. It is important to look into the reason why the number is skewed, but is it necessary to put a gender quota? Probably too early to tell until we understand why the number is skewed.

Would they do the same to ensure gender balance in other fields, especially among the legal and medical professionals? I would cheer if they also implement this for the judges, and ministers too! If we apply the same logic, we should also have gender quota in many other professions.

Need a Job?

When I'm asked by friends or newly met acquantance, "so, what do you do?", I would reply, "studying Japanese". "What else?". "I live."

Often, we are defined by our job so when we are out of job, there is a mixed feeling of "loss". Some may feel "worthless" and "useless",as we are expected to have a job. However, when we have the job, and spend most of our time in it, many also feel "trapped", as we do not have time for ourselves, except on weekend, and our schedule is dictated by the job requirement.

So, the best is to redefine our goal(s) in life. What do we want in life, and how do we align our plans to achieve the goal(s). For now, I'm just happy living, and would like to redefine how life should be - living every moment to the fullest, in whatever activities I choose to do.

Day 1 Post Chemo

Woke up fresh, after a fairly good sleep. Went to bed right after the last post, woke up at 1am, 4pm, 6pm to release and replenish body fluid and finally got out of bed at 8am. Had a big plate of char bee hoon browsed through paper and here I am.

It was one of the worst chemo sessions, unexpectedly, as I felt so fit, especially after taking a 2 hour hike to number 4 of the Penang Hill the previous day without any difficulty.

The chemo day started as usual:
8:45 full blood count
9:15 check body weight, blood pressure, temperature, urine pH
10:30 see doctor, who conveniently said that I must have heard wrongly about having only 4 chcle of chemo instead of 6, even though I was very sure what he mentioned earlier. Decided to give him face, as he said I need 6, and since I've taken my pre-medication the previous day
12:30 go to ward, and start preparation, with Saline, more premed.
Finally taxotere. About 3-5 minutes later, I got chest discomfort and called the nurse who immediately stop the drip
Doctor came, asked me some question and I didn't have the energy to speak to him. They administered Oxygen, which dropped to 88%, with heart beat shot up to 102. My body reacted badlly, my face flushing, my torso turning, and my limbs twisting around.
It got better after some time, and I asked the doctor if I could discontinue. He asked for ECG. Doctor asked for ECG, and said that the first one looked funny, and the second one is normal. So, we restart Taxotere at 3pm.
The rests went well and got home at 6:45pm, a little tired.

Am feeling alright now so life goes on!

The Power of Now

It's strange I choose to blog at 11:11pm on the day of my chemo as it is way past my bed time. Thought I have grasp the gist of Now, as my motto was Carpe Diem, sieze the day, but maybe not.

A close friend was admitted into the hospital today, and there's just part of me which is unsettled. And there are other things playing on my head too. The easiest thing is just to let go, and let things be! That's it! Now!

Karaoke

Went to Karaoke yesterday with friends, and that made me realized how "outdated" I am in terms of current hits, pop singers, popular bands, etc. So, it's great to hangout with teenagers to pick up some new songs, such as

Wonder Girls:Nobody
梁文音:最幸福的事

Guess it's time to learn some new songs before the next Karaoke!

Enzyme & environment

Discovered enzyme about 1-2 years ago in Penang, and was very happy to learn that many household in Penang started making enzyme! I'm glad to also bring my knowledge and share it with friends. Let's play a small part to recycle, and reduce the use of commercial products since we have a good alternative that is easy to produce and effective for daily use.

How to make enzyme?
3 portion of fruit waste/peels, 1 portion of brown sugar, 7 portion of water, put into a plastic container, leave for 3 months.

How to use enzyme?
Dilute by 1000 portion with water and use it as cleaner, for mopping the floor, washing your dishes, cleaning your bathroom, bathing your pet, soaking the vegetable/fruits, etc.

Snake

On a lazy Saturday afternoon, a snake sneaked through the grill near the back gate into the kitchen, and quietly it lied at the top edge of the top part of kitchen cabinet which is near the ceiling. It's dark in colour, probably over 2 ft in length and about 1-2 inches in diameter.

My dad came to rescue. First he moved a few electrical goods like rice cooker and blender which is placed below. He then took a stick to knock on the kitchen cabinet. After 2 knocks, the snake fell to the floor, and it has some shades of green. The actual length is probably 3 ft or more. My dad then used the stick to swept the snake out from the back gate.

Dr vs doctor

The idea of getting a PhD did cross my mind when I was younger, as Dr xxx as a title sounds so much better. However, I dislike the process of writing thesis (opted for more practical project - writing computer programming instead of big thesis) so shelved the idea. Maybe it's the timing, or the state I am in now. Doing PhD suddenly sounds less scary, especially since I've committed to doing research for a year anyway, and several friends are doing theirs now!

The idea has been reinforced into my head recently. A friend whom I considered my mentor ended our tea session by saying, "you are already a PhD candidate". That puts a positive spin into me so a new start to another adventure! And maybe when I speak with my doctor as Dr xxx, I'll get a bit more attention!

Good Bye

One last time, I listen to the morning prayer. One quick glance to the familiar balcony. The full moon which could be seen through thin layers of clouds hours ago has disappeared behind thick clouds now.

It's been over 10 years I've spent my life in this apartment. It was rented empty, and almost empty it is now. There were lots of memories, mainly of those many parties and gatherings held for various groups, and last night there was a small one. We were only a handful, but incidentally of different background (Faith:Muslim, Catholic, Sikh, Buddhist, other; Race:Malay, Chinese, Indian who calls herself "other", and other; Sexuality: women ranging the whole spectrum; Activism:Islam, migrant, women, sexuality, child's right, politics, etc) It's a priviledge, to receive the energy of all those friends who have visited at some point, as all these moments put together add up to my life.

So, it's time to say goodbye to this place I've called home. Thank you for being my refuge all these years!

Being Present

Was in NLP workshop over the last weekend, and something struck me. I have been trying to do so many things and got into the same pattern of trying to achieve all the items in the checklist, that I am not fully present. I realized that doing ten thousand things may not mean anything at the end of the day as it is just another day, another long list of tasks completed. What is more important is to be present, for each moment in life, and to live in those moment fully, instead of always planning the next one.

So, I am learning to slow down, and to be present. This takes a lot of adjusting to do.

100th Day Post Surgery

Just want to make a little entry about the surgery. It was a dilemma for me, mainly because my doctors(breast surgeons) came to the same conclusion so quickly. Mammogram showed calcification along the ductal line(white dots along the milk ducts spotted), and doctor suggested biopsy, which confirmed cancer. So, the conventional method recommended mastectomy, or breast removal, without giving me an option. Apart from a little probing of my family history, there was no investigation done on my lifestyle, diet, blood result, hormonal level, etc. Well, since there's cancer cell in your breast, let's get rid of it before it spread to other areas. But what caused those cancer cell to grow in the first place? That was not discussed. Stress? Family history? Poor diet? Lifestyle? Does surgery prevent the cancer cell from recurring? It's such an "easy" way to solve a problem - remove it!

Apparently single women with no children face higher risks, as our non functional ductal lines are blocked. There are many other factors too, and as I did my own research and read more, I learn that it is not just the physical body, but also the overall well being of our mental and spiritual body - there should be a balance and congruence of these bodies. I was fit and sporty. I was mentally strong, and was able to deal with stressful jobs and situation, but I definitely have to learn how to listen to my bodies instead of pushing it beyond my limit.

Hence, I adopt a total change of lifestyle and outlook in life, opening up to the spiritual self and trying to integrate many aspects of life for the next phase. And I listen to my body more now!

[Disclaimer: above represents my personal opinion only, as I have not been trained medically]

Changes & Challenges

Recounting the events in the past few months :
1) Diagnosed with Cancer and started reading/researching
2) Quit Job to focus on treatment
3) Started Qi Gong & met new friends
4) Homeopathy and Diet Change
5) Went to 10 days meditation retreat
6) Got blessing from Tibetan Lama
7) Surgery and Conventional Medication - chemo, etc
8) Move from KL to Penang
9) Taking courses on personal development - NLP, Longevity, Reiki,
10) Preparing trip to Japan and Philippines for a year - learning Japanese!

I've learnt to do less, and to take life easy, so coping with the changes and challenges above becomes part of my life, which I embrace, hopefully with grace.

Reiki 霊気

Took reike 1 over the weekend with 2 friends. It was quite an experience where we learnt about alternative healing techniques, chakras, healing positions, group healing, etc. What intrigued me most was the potentials of this universe, the connection human has with the universe, and the energy flow that we have probably been consuming and emitting with or without conscious effort.
Again, this is an area which requires more research and attention, especially in the era where chronic illness is on the rise, and our environment is at threat. If only we learn to be in harmany with the universe and create more positive energy for everyone.

Grueling chemo

Spent 11 hour in the hospital today for day chemo! Left home at 8:30am, reached Mt Mariam Cancer Hospital at 9am to register and take full blood count, then went through the routine of weighing, taking blood pressure, temperature, urine pH, and waiting... Got to see the Medical Officer only at 11ish, then was advised to eat first so had a drink(healthy bean blend) and a banana. Only at about 12, I was called to see the doctor. My blood count was good, so chemo as usual. I thought this would be my last chemo so I asked what's the subsequent plan on radiotherapy etc, to which he said we'll discuss later.
At 1pm, I finally got to the ward, and they started preparing me. First they poked a valve into my vein, and attached a drip from a bag of saline. It took about an hour or more before the drip was done, then the nurse came to give me pre-medication consisting of steroid and anti-histamine both admistered through the valve by injection. Both made me nauseatic, drowsy, and weak. Then flush me with saline again, this time half a bag, so as the drip acts as the hour glass, as I watched the drops of saline dripping, the time ticked past. At about 4pm, the real chemo drug came. First the T, which gave me bad reaction previously, especially on the first 2 times where I almost passed out, and then had breathing difficulty that I was given oxygen on 2nd chemo! 3rd chemo was easier as they controlled the dripping to the slowest possible. This time, I had a little pulpitation (heart beat shot up from 73 to 92 within 15 mintues) and short of breathing but once the nurse turned down the speed, I recovered. So, another 2 hours went past, then saline again. The second chemo is C, which was given by injection with no major problem, followed by saline. By the time the nurse removed my valve, it is already 7pm, and took us 30 minutes to get home. So, 10 hours in the hospital, 1 hour on travel, 11hour in total.
Good practise for being patient. And thanks for reading such a boring piece, as my brain cells are probably being attaced by chemo drug by now...

NLP

NLP=

New Little Practise
Never Look down on People
Nerving Life Pattern
Next Loving Principle
No Lost Paradise
Not Lonely Path

NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming, big words, sophisticated and just another jargon. To me, it is unfolding some underlying priciples about life, and providing a new perspective so that we access to our senses and use some new tricks when we need them.

I attended the first module 2 weeks ago and looking forward to more. Two important things I have learnt is "to leave others in a better state" and "Everyone works perfectly", and hopefully I could uphold these words in my daily life.

Supplements and Nutrients

Here is a list of things that have been recently added to my diet(most were given by friends - thanks to those who contributed) :

Acid Amino(Braggs)
Bacteria (immunoflora bacteria, of Newlife)
Barley Green
Co-Q10 (supplement)
Green Tea (regular tea leave green tea & packets from newlife)
Molasses
Monavie (berries in wine bottle)
Spirulina
Transfer Factor
Tian Xian Ye（天仙液）

Other supplements which I've bought a year ago:
Glucosamine
Lechitin
Milk Thistle

And this is just a short list of the many other products out there which have been recommended for cancer patient or those on chemo...

I prefer natural food nevertheless.

Char Bee Hoon

This is the 2nd time it happened to me. After writing my post and hit the publish button, streamyx has mysteriously been disconnected and I lost all my writing. So, here it is again.

Life has its own way of teaching me to be humble and patient, by making me learn how to cook.

This is one of the rare occasion that I cook, and it is char bee hoon(frying vercimille noodle). First remember to soak the noodle. Then prepare all the ingredients by washing and cutting them - garlic, carrot, basil leaves, spring onion, bunga kantan(the red flower for laksa), and one other vege that I cannot name. I wonder why we were not taught the practicle day to day knowledge in school like the name of the vege, or how to cook. Well, homescience was offered but if I were to go to homescience instead of commerce in high school, I would have failed my form 1!

Anyway, I managed the cooking and secretly hope that there will be a machine invented for char bee hoon so that I could save my time and energy stirring the bee hoon and ingredients in the wok.

Basil Leaves

Apparently daun selasih is basil leaves. So, after my blood test, which came up to be higher than normal range, I went to the market to look for basil leaves.
It sounded simple, just fry with eggs. So, I mixed 2 eggs with basil leaves in a bowl, poured them over a heated wok with olive oil, and expected to get pancake type of dish. However, either I was too impatient, or that I have diluted the eggs with water, it turned out to look like scrambled egg.
So, let me continue to experiment basil leaves for next few days!

Diet and cooking

After some months of exploring, reading, researching, I have received overwhelming information from internet, friends, books, leaflets, nutritionists on diet. Doctors that I consulted (both breast surgeons and oncologists) so far have not placed restriction on diet. One doctor said, as long as it is healthy food, another said to increase intake of anti-oxidants, and one other doctor said just enjoy food. Great advise, as that gives me the peace of mind.

The nutritionist and the oncologist told me to pump up on protein during chemo. My homeopathy advised high intake of fruits and vegetable that suits my blood type. Also to avoid white rice, white flour, sugar, salt, durian etc... Others say no chicken, no duck, some say go vegetarian, many advise no deep frying, some say no frying at all, and quite a few sources put the fingers on acidic food(meat) as cancer cells thrive on acidic environment.

So, I device my own menu. For grains, mainly brown rice, millet, mixed grain or quinoa - just put them in the rice cooker with good portion of water and remember to press the button. For vegetable, just get a good variety, wash and then put on the 3-layer steamer, and remember to put water. It's important to get different colours, red, yellow, green, etc. During chemo, I also steam fish. Occasionally I take beans -soak some mixed beans overnight (red beans and black beans mainly) and put them into the soya milk mixer(fantastic machine from China) for 20 minutes. For juice, just add carrot, apple, at times beetroot or others into this magic bullet juicer for 2-3 mintus.
Since I'm such a bad cook(forgot to turn on the electricity, or forgot water, or drop things on the floor), I get lots of help from family and friends.
Thank you everyone who have helped cook for me, and also those new inventions that make cooking so "easy"!

Low Blood Count

Got another jab of Granocyte today as my Neutrophil reading is low (about 1.6, and total white blood count is 3.2). This is already my 6th jab of booster over the last 2 months, as my blood count post chemo shows a dip after the 1st week, and probably hit the lowest on the 14th day(today) over a 3 weeks cycle.
Chemo kills all the fast growing cells including blood cells, hair, etc, hence it's expected that the blood count is low, but somehow I just thought I would be able to pull it through as I feel good about my health, apart from the fact that I have been given drug with high toxicity during chemo.
Anyway, I have requested for another blood count on Wednesday before deciding on the next jab, as the blood count usually shot up over the top range after 2 jabs. So, hopefully I don't need another jab before my next chemo which is scheduled by next Monday.
Heard that daun selasih helps with blood count, maybe I should check out what it is -am learning so many new things especially on plants, herbs, food, etc.

Raptors

Went to Tanjong Tuan for raptor watch, and learnt that hawks, eagles, kites, falcons are among the raptors. Just felt good that the trip happened, with great companions. Someone whom I met once happened to initiate a chat out of the blue, and ended up organizing this trip after getting one other friend. Things happened for good reason.
The first group of raptors came in shortly after we checked out the telescope and binoculars on display. They flew in circle, riding on the heat wave, travelling thousands of kilometres, migrating from one place to the other. We had a good sighting of the raptors, circling, and cruising past.

A great outing on a special day, in memory of my mum.

Name cards

While clearing through my stuff, I realized that I have accumulated thousands of name cards over the years - 2 case holders, over 10 folders and many other piles from different countries, different industries and different occasions, both from work, trade fairs, functions, or travel. Some were vendors, clients, acquantances, conference participants, and these contacts used to be important assets. Now that I'm out of the "industries", those cards became irrelevant. I got rid of all of them saved a handful - someone I bumped into on the bus and we chatted throughout the 4 hour journey, the trek organizer in Sikkim, ... a few personal contacts that I may find useful in future.

郭林气功- Guo Lin Qi Gong

在我做切片的当天，朋友把我载到家里去，向她母亲学郭林气功。也许是机缘吧，这么凑巧师母刚从国外回来，在吉隆坡只逗留一天，就让我遇上了。师母一见到我，很认真的和我分享学习郭林气功的案例，给我很大的信心，然后一步一步的教我自然行功。从那天起我就认真的练习，也到湖滨公园去拜师，还认识了一群朋友，受益不浅。 联络http://www.guolinqigong.net/site/index.php?cat=21&menu_group=0

Things happened for a reason. On the day of my biopsy, was introduced to Guo Lin Qi Gong and has benefited from it since.
The founder of this Qi Gong, master Guo Lin, was a cancer survivor and has adapted her knowledge in qigong to develop a new set of anti cancer qi gong, now called Guo Lin Qi Gong. The are some information in English on their website.

http://www.guolinqigong.net/

The early morning prayer

My apartment is within a stone's throw from the mosque(maybe about a hundred metre or so if I draw a straight line), so the early morning prayer has become part of my routine. It used to bother me a lot, especially when I have guests over. A foreigner friend was woken up from her dream and having exposed to the broadcasted prayer for the first time, she was quite alarmed and asked, "what's that?". My 2 year old nephew was woken up from his sleep and started crying. Other friends asked, "how could you stay here for all these years?" The speaker is so powerful that it sounded as if it has been played from next door!
There were times when I got irritated with the loudspeaker broadcasting speeches(ceramah) on Sunday morning function, which I suspect is either wedding ceremony or a religious ceremony because the preacher started talking about how wives should be serving the husband. I called the police at least twice explaining that while I have full respect to religious ceremony and prayers, it is disturbing the neighbourhood to broadcast preaches on loudspeaker a Sunday morning, which usually start from early morning, and lasting for hours.
The prayer this morning which started before I started to blog just ended, at about 6:40am, and I have found peace while listening to it.

Friends and being bald

It was great feeling to know that your friends care for you. My uni mate came to visit and brought cut fruits. She didn't know about me undergoing treatment and was shocked when I explained about my bald head. We bonded and had great chat over fruits, catching up about each others life.
My head scarf or baldness has become an interesting topic of discussion, especially to for friends who has not been kept in the loop about my recent adventure. Another friend commented that I must have been dying to shave my head, and just waiting for this opportunity. Well, quite true, and yet when it comes to actually shaving it off, I actually asked a friend to accompany me. I chose to go to the Indian barber shop in Penang, partly because I did not want to answer any question that may come from the hairdresser, and partly because I think they would do a better job due to their experience. And it only cost me RM6 vs RM15 if I were to go back to my regular hairdresser. The hairdresser asked me twice if I was enquiring for the kids, when I checked how much they would charge to shave a head. When I told her that I was enquiring for myself, she went on to say that it will be a waste, as I have nice hair.
Anyway, I am now getting used to my bald head, and learning to use various scarves. But being bald made me realize that having hair or not, or how I keep my hairstyle actually contribute to my identity. For now, I'm just happy to experience being bald, and being surrounded by friends who offer help and support.

The Journeying Self - to keep or not to keep?

It's been 4 months since my diagnosis, and my life has taken a complete new turn - quit my job, took complete charge of all decisions, and decided to move back to my hometown, Penang.
So, here I am, at the apartment that I've been renting for over 10 years, going through my wardrobe, bookshelves, closets, boxes and files, filtering for things that I really need. It's especially hard when I go through my books, CDs, and boardgames. Thought I have learnt to detach from objects and material stuff, but I have to admit that I am still a keeper, still keeping letters and gifts from close friends, journals, photo albums, tarot cards, board games, etc, even though deep down, I know that none of this I could keep when I leave this place. But for now, at least I decide to keep them. Somehow, I believe that every item has a life of its own, and that they become part of me. On the other hand, I could almost just blink and decide to get rid of everything, because whether these items come with me or not physically, they continue to exist as part of me, simply because they had come to my life at some point.
So, I am in the midst of packing, deciding what to keep, knowing that it's not quite important whether I keep them anyway.