How are you?

A very simple question, with kind intention, but very tricky to answer, especially via sms. Firstly I have to guess the intent of this querer - does he or she know about my recent metastases? What replies should I give? If I answer with the standard, "fine, thank you," it seems ingenuine to close ones, but if I reply with details, there are simply too many things to say. So, for those who just ask once in a while, I might say, "Thx for thinking of me. Coping well, n hope you are well." Here are just a few one liners that pop up for those who know my recent situation. "I finished radiotherapy with no apparrent progress but surviving." "I now walk with a stick." "My left fingers can't function so I type with right hand only." "Spiritually strong but phyisically challenged." "Still on chemo, n surviving." But none of these comfort my friends who probably just want to convey that they remember me, so maybe the best reply is "how are you?" which to me is just too polite. So, often I choose to just leave the message unreplied. So, thank you for your concerns and well wishes - I just thought it's easier for me not to reply without replying properly. It's great to be remembered but maybe I preferred to be remembered also about my other dimensions in life apart from my cancer journey?

Survived 15 whole brain radiotherapy sessions

Completed all 15 sessions. Even though my motor function has worsen compared to the beginning of treatment, at aleast I survived, with no obvious brain side effects like memory loss- i remember my passwords! The doctor says it takes time to allow my nerve to rebuild/reconnect and it's left to be seen how much I would improve, in time. Only a scan could tell how the tumor(s) responded to the treatment but this should have controlled the growth. In fact I have been thinking that this is less demanding than the hiking tours I did - in unpredictable weather condition that included hail storm, blizzard, exposed to environmental risk in a foreign land - and I survived. This treatment put me in controlled environment, with side effects like fatique, mild diarrhea, and hair loss, but these all happen in the luxurious home environment where i have access to comfortable bed, food and care, at any time. This is very different from the high risk environment out in the wild, with physical and muscular exhaustion after hours of hiking, not knowing what awaits ahead, but simply immersed in the presence of unknown. For me, I would rather do the hiking circuits hundred times over to avoid 1 treatment which only lasts a few minutes but guess the treatment was not all that demanding when put under a simple comparison.

Finish 10 radio sessions

Still weak after 10 sessions so they probably give me bonus doses.

Did 5 sessions, 5 more to go

Am at the half way mark of scheduled radiotherapy but with no improvement seen. Patience. At least 5 more to go -they might give some booster dose after the 10th. So wait, shall we?

Fr hospital

My first attempt to blog with iPhone apps fr the hospital. Arrived at 2pm to a full room of patients. Lets hope this wont take too long. As I already did radio at 9-ish n blood test in the morning.

Sleepless n hyper active brain

I think my brain is in hyperactive mode after first radio session. It lasted only few minutes. There were rays beaming on my brain(could feel it with my eyes closed). The positive thought - i was being blessed with super power on the star trek space ship. The neutral thought - those radio wave will penetrate and kill some cells, good and bad cells indiscriminately, after that, i shall be fine. The negative thought - i was fixed on a flat table with a mask and bombarded with "bullets". Thoughts can be very powerful, so I now hold the believe that everything is going well, and my brain is just being activated by the therapy.

start whole brain radiotherapy tomorrow

Finally I decided to go for it. The regression in my motor function is apparent so let's hope this will work out fine. At least 10 course of whole brain radiotherapy. Side effects? Hair loss and also tiredness. The fun has just begun.

The milestones

It suddenly occured to me that I have been on treatment most of the time in the past 2.5 years, and the only time when I was off treatment was when I went away to Japan and the Philippnies, for a little shy of a year. It started with surgery in 2009, then chemo and radio in 2010, and I was lucky to have a break before returning to second round of chemo and Herceptinin in May 2011, and while I am still on Herceptin, here I am on 3rd round of chemo in May 2012 with possible whole brain radiotherapy. There were many criticism of me breaking off to Japan. Had I continued with Herceptin, maybe I would fair better. Well, nobody knows but I'm glad I did take those time off, as I had made great friends and experiences. The short duration away was one of the best times in my life. And my friend Annie who did Herceptin right from the start, had her metastasis as well, was joking that we are just "buying time" with whatever treatment available, and we need more than one hand to count the involvement of cancer - breast, lymph nodes, few spots in the liver, bones, and multiple spots in the brain. So, metastasis happens when we are busy living anyway, might as well live well. It also just occured to me that cancer has occupied so much of me that it took away any space of mid life crisis that might have happened to me. There's no need for decision on second career or to redefine what to do with the rests of my life. When staying alive becomes a day to day reality, the question of "what do you do in your free time" sounds rather absurd. I am forced to live in the present moment, and to be aware of every little detail in life, including the simple daily task like walking(my friends gave me a walking stick on standby), lifting my left index finger(now I type with only right hand as it will be much faster and taking less effort), buttoning up(maybe in my next life I could be a fashion designer for those who are physically or functionally challenged) and all these happen when I still have my right limbs fuctioning well! How many more cycles will thechemo be? How long more will this last? I have since learnt that these are not the appropriote questions to ask, at aleast not to my oncologist, as there will be no answers to these questions except when there comes a time when the cells in my body could give those answers.