Weak week

The title is because this week I'm suffering from chemo side effects which, in this present chemo, consist of some disgusting nausea (fortunately not throwing up), some pain in my chest, some low temperature some days, constipation, lose of appetite, and feeling tired. I force myself to eat, though. I always liked eating and I think it's one of the pleasures we can enjoy in this life. So I'm quite strong-willed when it comes to eating, even if I don't feel hungry at all... haha!!!

Two days ago I could do almost nothing. In the afternoon, while I was resting in bed, I could see some clouds changing colour: they became between orange and pink. Very beautiful. I tried to retain this simple image in order not to feel so miserable. I smiled. It was one of the best moments of the day.

In my next post (when I have more energy) I will share a quote about admiring nature, quite inspiring.

More autumn colours

After reading your kind comments to my previous posts I feel tempted to insert more autumn colours. So there you are!

These are from an excursion five years ago, but I'm sure that the landscape is exactly the same this year.

Sometimes, when looking at these pictures, I have mixed feelings: happy for having been there and enjoyed to the most these mountain trails and sad for the uncertainty of not knowing whether I will be able to do this again.

My body is not so strong now as it was for instance last year; so many chemo treatments have their negative effects on the body. I try not to ask to myself such questions as: Until when will the present treatment be effective? Will I be able to do this or that again? But I think that nobody in my situation couldn't help asking these type of questions. Actually, nobody knows the answers and I don't want to know them.

So I let these pictures inspire me and cheer me up, thinking that at least I could be there once, and to some places even more than once.

Thank you to all of you who leave comments and to those who don't for your constant support and encouragement. It means a lot to me.

Autumn colours

Let me share with all of you, readers of this blog, and offer you this picture as an autumn present. This picture was taken by YS in Japan and she published it here in Nov. 2011. As she explained, they are momiji leaves, very similar in colour and shape to maple tree leaves, only smaller. This is also for you, of course, dear YS: the stunning colours of autumn.

These two following photos were taken by myself, in the mountains close to were I live.

Here, as I said in the previous post, you can see the colours of the autumn leaves against the blue sky in the background.








 

 Let's never cease adding colours to our lives!!!

Here I am again

It's been a while since I last wrote here. Fortunately, the reason is technological, not physical. My computer broke down and it's taken a while to get a new one.

I'm still doing quite well because the new treatment is working again. But I miss my life. I mean my life free from cancer, my true life; a life with other problems, other concerns, but never having to deal with the heavy physical and psychological burden that a cancer with metastasis implies. That's why sometimes I indulge myself remembering nice episodes from the past. Even my childhood seems such a blessing!

It also gives me strength to think about dear YS. It's a real pity that we couldn't be co-authors for longer, but this blog is such a nice legacy from you, my dear friend!
(I address myself to her, as I often do in my thoughts; I think it's good to talk to our departed dear ones. We can almost listen to them replying to us and, in this case, many times I can guess what she would say to me, her advice, her cheering me up. And, as I don't want to disappoint her, I do what she tells me to do because I know it will be good for me, as we always cared for each other).
So, I go on:  you were happy when I told you that writing here had become therapeutic for me, too. You kindly asked me, invited me, to maintain the blog, so I'll keep writing as long as I can because I also do it for you and in your memory.

We have nice autumn days lately. They are inviting to go out for walks. It's also nice to sit on a bench and look up to the trees with their beautifully-coloured leaves against the blue sky as the background. Yes, it's autumn now... our favourite season.

Things I can do

It is important to remind oneself of the things one can do when faced with difficulties due to an illness like cancer. I realise that many times I make a mental list of the things I can do (and try not to think too much about the ones I cannot do). Some things I can or cannot do change from time to time, but today I'd like to highlight the ones I can do these days. Even though the list may be incomplete, the main things that come to my mind right now are there. I CAN:

· Breathe
· Eat and really enjoy it
· Walk and have walks outside, in the open air
· Speak
· Enjoy the company of friends and family
· Read
· Write
· Watch TV and DVD
· Listen to music
· Sleep (not so well sometimes, but it's ok)
· Smile and laugh (even though laughing may cause some pain in my chest sometimes)
· See
· Touch
· Go to the toilet
· Take showers
· Put on and take off my clothes (I may need some help with the socks and shoes, sometimes)


I even went shopping yesterday (some food, groceries, bread...). Today I feel tired and some parts of my body hurt a little, but I could do it on my own. It was like a challenge, a personal victory. I came back home feeling very happy!

When we are healthy we don't ususally pay attention to the list above, we tend to take all those things for granted. I've learnt not to take things for granted and to give more importance to little things.

We cannot choose what happens to us, but we can choose how to cope with it, the best way to LIVE WITH IT. Of course there are always ups and downs, but we must focus on the "ups" and leave the "downs" behind.

Life goes on

After failure of previous treatment, the new one seems to be working very well in comparison. After all those days in hospital and then feeling rather weak at home, finally I'm building up some stamina again. I realised I had lost a lot of muscular tone in my legs, so now that I could finally resume my walks outside I can feel my muscles slowly building up again and I can walk better and feeling safer that my legs will respond.

I am still amazed at how many different treatments are available for breast cancer metastasis. I not only feel amazed, but extremely grateful to science, doctors, and researchers.

And also very grateful to my body: it does not want to give up. It keeps finding the strength (sometimes I just don't know where from). I've learned to love every single part of my body because after some very tough days of mental struggle, my body has reacted in a way that makes me confident again... full of hope... again.

Taking it easy

Last treatment did not work. I had to be in hospital for 14 days.
Just starting a new one, low dose, see how my body responds after showing progression of my cancer. But I have the good feeling this one will work out (the last one must have been too strong for me). Funny though that, now that I'm back home, sometimes it feels just the same, as nothing happenned to me, as life seems to be back to normal. However, I take it all very easy, rest a lot and concentrate only in healing and on never losing hope. I still feel strong enough to keep the fight going. I try to smile as many times as possible during the day. Sometimes I even smile while sleeping, in my dreams. That must be a good sign :-)