10 days

10 days ago.

Last Monday, 9 April, I woke up on a beautiful morning, had breakfast by the balcony just planning my day when I saw the missed calls and an urgent message from the hospital. Upon calling back, an urgent MRI has been scheduled. That's when the nightmare started.

That was a long story. When I last saw the oncologist on the 31 March, he mentioned the need for MRI following my complaint about the numbness which started on my left feet. That got me very alarmed and anxious. The numbness barely started for a few days and was so mild that it hardly bothered me. He placed a call to the Neurologist who had already left as it was a Saturday. Subsequent Monday I just couldn’t bring myself to the hospital-anticipating the wait on a Monday morning. I went on Tuesday and got number 2025, the first 2 digits 20 being the room number and the last 2 digit being the queue number but after waiting for about an hour or til past noon, the number called was at 2007 and I decided to move on with life. I went again on Wednesday and got the number 2015. This time I decided to drive home rather than wait in the hospital. To my surprise, I got a call just around noon that it’s already my turn. Informing the assistant that I’ll be on my way there, I rushed into the hospital and to my delight, they waited for me.
Slightly feeling guilty of holding up the other patients, the examination began. It was such a casual examination. The Neurologist started by asking me about my symptoms, then going through my files, and finally examining the functions of my fingers and toes. Her verdict was that it’s a side effect of chemotherapy(without effort to differentiate Herceptin as a targeted treatment, or antibody rather than chemo), even though I told her that I’ve been on the same drug for almost a year. I mentioned to her about MRI to which she dismissed but saying that she’ll keep my files opened for future. I asked her what kind of the symptoms I should look out for before the next visit. She smiled and said she didn’t want to put thoughts in my mind. So, with a relief, I informed the oncologist of the findings of Neurologist and went off.

Well, I continued to have numbed fingers and toes for the next few days, and a suspicious mind. It was a text message which came in on Saturday morning which started the whole fiasco. It was just from Esther, a friend who invited Annie and myself to an event, to which I declined and replied with thanks. They are both my cancer support friends, that I met 2 years back in Relay For Life in Youth Park. From Esther, I found out that Annie just suffered from a relapse. When I finally got hold of Annie, and found out about her brain metastases, I knew I had to call my oncologist. Annie spoke of the same symptom as myself- numbed fingers, which lead to a semi-stroke episode. Thanks to her alert, the MRI was finally scheduled on 9 April, about 9 days after the first mention of MRI by the oncologists. Of course he was furious for the delay, but back then the symptoms were just so negligible.

If it were divine interventions, I had got it 3 times. First, it was before my original diagnosis, second, the discovery about my liver metastasis, and now the third, and more drastic discovery than before.

My first discovery was just a regular breast health check. On the way to a writing session with Amy, I saw this banner outside the hospital and decided to just take the number. Little did I know that the regular checkup would change my life. At 39 years old, I was even told that I didn’t need a mammogram, until I told the nurse about my family history, that my mum died of cancer.

My second discovery was in the Philippines. It happened about a year ago, just around Easter celebration, which was huge in the Philippines. The whole incident also happened like a movie drama. Firstly, I went to the doctor Dr Merced who was recommended by Susanna, and I saw her just declared about myself. “I have cancer, but otherwise, I am well.” She ran some tests and loaded me with vitamins, etc. Upon examination, she sent me to repeat my liver function test, as I told her my ALT was marginally high when last tested in Japan, November 2010. By the time I got the test result which showed an abnormally high reading, I was ready to fly off to Mindanao for Easter break, exactly a year ago! In that trip, I was feeling suspicious, but it was such a wonderful trip that I even broke my fast to eat a few pieces of roast pork(Jaspers’ family ordered a barbequed pig and took it with them to picnic site- the enchanted river). Upon returning from the trip, I checked in the next day to Miriam College for a 1 week workshop, so it was only until a moment of awakening that I knew I had to skip the workshop and attend to myself. The lecturer, Saskia, was saying, as activist, you need to first take care of your health. So, I called the doctor immediately for an appointment, to which she sent me for ultra sound of my abdomen and breast. It didn’t end there, as I to find out about how to do both the abdomen and breast scan without going to 2 different departments, so another 2 weeks went by before I located a lab, which was just walking distance to my apartment!

The scan showed nodules on the liver, and sent me right back to Dr Merced, who suggested a series of intensive treatment, including B17, etc. Somehow, I didn’t opt for that and went for liver specialist and oncologist for second opinion, and I was back home on 19 May, the exact anniversary date of my previous CT scan which said I was clear. Maybe it’s predestined. I was meant to come back to deal with my own illness, which I am learning to embrace. 11 months past.

Today April 19 2012. Brain metastases had been confirmed last week. Since then everything changed. 10 days ago, I was well, and ready to take on the world. I had a workshop and Europe trip scheduled, and I was feeling great about life. Now, after doses of drugs and medications, my left limbs continued to be numbed and stiff. My spirit hampered. Is it really about the tumors growing in the brain, or the effect of the drug, or the belief that my tumors are taking over me?

At times, I continued to sit by the balcony, and enjoyed the scenery as I used to. At times, I just wonder how all these would end. I am writing my own encounter, and I do believe there is a message to all these, that I am to live and write, and tell my own stories, until I could no longer write. At this point, it stops bothering me. Whether I am having numbness, or fatigue, whether I get to go to the workshop or make my dream trip. Maybe that’s what I am to acknowledge. To accept things as they come, without any plan.

Am I a fatalist? Or am I fatal? What does it mean anyway? I have been forced to learn things and accept life as it comes, and just surrender.