Saturday, June 2, 2012
The milestones
It suddenly occured to me that I have been on treatment most of the time in the past 2.5 years, and the only time when I was off treatment was when I went away to Japan and the Philippnies, for a little shy of a year. It started with surgery in 2009, then chemo and radio in 2010, and I was lucky to have a break before returning to second round of chemo and Herceptinin in May 2011, and while I am still on Herceptin, here I am on 3rd round of chemo in May 2012 with possible whole brain radiotherapy.
There were many criticism of me breaking off to Japan. Had I continued with Herceptin, maybe I would fair better. Well, nobody knows but I'm glad I did take those time off, as I had made great friends and experiences. The short duration away was one of the best times in my life. And my friend Annie who did Herceptin right from the start, had her metastasis as well, was joking that we are just "buying time" with whatever treatment available, and we need more than one hand to count the involvement of cancer - breast, lymph nodes, few spots in the liver, bones, and multiple spots in the brain. So, metastasis happens when we are busy living anyway, might as well live well.
It also just occured to me that cancer has occupied so much of me that it took away any space of mid life crisis that might have happened to me. There's no need for decision on second career or to redefine what to do with the rests of my life. When staying alive becomes a day to day reality, the question of "what do you do in your free time" sounds rather absurd. I am forced to live in the present moment, and to be aware of every little detail in life, including the simple daily task like walking(my friends gave me a walking stick on standby), lifting my left index finger(now I type with only right hand as it will be much faster and taking less effort), buttoning up(maybe in my next life I could be a fashion designer for those who are physically or functionally challenged) and all these happen when I still have my right limbs fuctioning well!
How many more cycles will thechemo be? How long more will this last? I have since learnt that these are not the appropriote questions to ask, at aleast not to my oncologist, as there will be no answers to these questions except when there comes a time when the cells in my body could give those answers.
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I so much agree and share with you... Yes, we are forced to live in the present moment and we must be very gentle to ourselves. What should or shouldn't have been done doesn't matter, now. No need to feel guilty. I know of people who have suffered from cancer, who did not skip a single chemo or radio session and passed away. This illness is such an unfair lottery! Oncologists don't have all the answers. Medicine is not mathematics. This is what I've learnt.
ReplyDeleteWe may lose physical abilities, but we must not lose hope. There should be peace within us, there should be happiness, too, derived from the good times in our lives, the good times derived from our decisions.
And then I also remember those words I once heard, long ago, when cancer had nothing to do with me:
"Let's fill up our years with life
before filling up our life with years!"
And now I go and ask myself: Did I fill up my years with life? And the answer is: "Yes!"
Should be ok then.
What a joy to have met! Love, Elisabet.
In old India, there lived a King who loves hunting. One day, he went hunting with his great Doctor. While hunting, the King was pricked by a strange plant on his middle finger. The finger became swollen and painful. The doctor applied a special ointment to the wound and bandage the King's finger.
ReplyDeleteThe King then asked, "Will my finger be alright?"
The Doctor answered, "Good ? Bad ? Who knows ?"
A few days passed and the King's finger became worse. He summoned the doctor and asked, "Will my finger be alright?"
The Doctor answered, "Good ? Bad ? Who knows ?"
A few days later, the King's finger was badly infected and has to be amputated from his hand. The King was furious and ordered the doctor to be jailed and hang in a month's time.
Meanwhile, after a week's of recovery, the King went hunting again. This time he was more unfortunate. He was capture by a cannibal tribe. Before the tribe can burn him as a human sacrifice, the priest noticed he had only nine fingers. It was the tribe's believe that only a person with full and perfect body can be use as sacrifice. So they released the King.
Back to the Kingdom, the King immediately ordered the release of the doctor. The doctor was summoned to the King. The King said: "Great doctor, because of you, I lost my finger but in turn, it saves my life."
The Doctor said, "Good ? Bad ? I know. Great King, if not because of you putting me in jail and thus I cannot go hunting with you. If not, I would have been captured by the tribe and used as the sacrifice. Thank you, you save my life !"
So...Good ? Bad ? Who Knows ?. Tragedy itself is an opportunity that teaches us to become kinder and wiser. Unpleasant things happen in life and they happen to everyone. The only difference between a happy person and one who gets depressed is how they respond to disasters. Sometimes, bad things that happened in our lives can be a blessing in disguise.
(I heard this story last weekend and decided to share with you...... Courtesy to him/her who has put this story in writing form....)
i know you enough to know that whatever you decide for yourself is the best that you can and will do for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI just read your 2 June post to my friend Lisa with the metastasized breast to lung cancer and she absolutely agreed with your going off to live your life in the Philippines and Japan. She said if she'd hung around in the US after her breast cancer was supposedly in remission she'd have missed out on one of the most fulfilling years of her life. Plus, as she said, the two of us would never have reconnected after our silly 2009 spat had apparently ended our 15-year friendship.
ReplyDeleteGood? Bad? Who knows? Indeed.
"Thanks for sharing" is such a hokey psychobabble platitude, but I really mean it in your case. Your words touch more people than you realize!