Counting down...as tomorrow is to be my last radio session. I've gone for 25 sessions so far, so tomorrow with be 26th, but accoding to the radiologists and the doctor, there will be some boosters, maybe 3 more, so still hopeful to complete whatever "bonus" within this week.
Really looking forward to it. I've been counting in the radio session...around 300 counts with the shield plus 100 counts without the shield. So, about 5 minutes all in, I guess.
If I've summed up all my treatment time, I must have clocked in at least 300 hours(most time are spent waiting), at least 60 hospital visits (including consultation, blood test, chemo, radio), over 20 blood tests, 13 injections(excluding chemo), a few scans, apart from the hard core chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
The lesson learnt... to give it all, to face life, and death, and whatever that comes in between... to just be...
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Live Life and Relay for Life
There were 2 events last Saturday, 5th June. In the morning, at Botanical Garden, Mt Mariam organized Survivors' Day with the slogan "Live Life" printed on white T-shirt, and in the evening at Youth Park, there was a huge "Relay For Life" event with hundreds or maybe over thousand people in different colours, orange for survivor, blue, purple, etc...for other organizations.
It's a pity that in both events, there were not a great deal of "public education", apart from one notice board. And CM's speech was just full of chunky phrases like "When I see you, I see life" with little meaning.
Anyway, we all have to live through life on our own strides... and find our own meaning ...
It's a pity that in both events, there were not a great deal of "public education", apart from one notice board. And CM's speech was just full of chunky phrases like "When I see you, I see life" with little meaning.
Anyway, we all have to live through life on our own strides... and find our own meaning ...
Monday, May 31, 2010
TIME, THOUGHTS and RADIO
What is time? It's a measurement to define each and every moment that we experience. The time when we were born, the time when we are happy, the past, the future, and the present moment.
What's the time now? As we speak, the time changes, moving forward. Often, we say, no time, even when we are alive, and experiencing the moment. We have no time for certain things because we are busy doing other things, which we consciously choose to do, or we habitually do without having to think about it.
The truth is that, even when we die, time continue to exist, as a measurement. What we leave behind, could be memories for some others, or just moments in the past, (whether documented or not), or maybe some waves of thoughts that continue on, and changes along with time.
What is a thought? An idea, or a believe, or something that we experience spiritually (or non physically).
Is it important that we communicate what we are thinking of, or is it possible that the presence of our thoughts in itself is going to have some influence, in however neglegible quantum to this world?
Just like the radiotherapy(I don't know the definition) I am undergoing. Even though we cannot detect the radiowaves with our eyes, we know something is happening(suppose to kill some cells). So, in the same manner, when we all have our thoughts playing, even if others' could not detect it with their ears, they exist(how do we know they don't kill some cells?).
I am playing my internal radio here. You hear it?
Often, we "see" things only from own perspective, without "hearing" others. So, I will try to tune in, and hear you in my next radio session, since I am making you "see" things from my perspective.
Disclaimer: above are based on my definition without checking the dictionary...and I believe deep down, we all know what it is, even though we may define things differently. Who needs the definition of time, thoughts and wavelength anyway?
What's the time now? As we speak, the time changes, moving forward. Often, we say, no time, even when we are alive, and experiencing the moment. We have no time for certain things because we are busy doing other things, which we consciously choose to do, or we habitually do without having to think about it.
The truth is that, even when we die, time continue to exist, as a measurement. What we leave behind, could be memories for some others, or just moments in the past, (whether documented or not), or maybe some waves of thoughts that continue on, and changes along with time.
What is a thought? An idea, or a believe, or something that we experience spiritually (or non physically).
Is it important that we communicate what we are thinking of, or is it possible that the presence of our thoughts in itself is going to have some influence, in however neglegible quantum to this world?
Just like the radiotherapy(I don't know the definition) I am undergoing. Even though we cannot detect the radiowaves with our eyes, we know something is happening(suppose to kill some cells). So, in the same manner, when we all have our thoughts playing, even if others' could not detect it with their ears, they exist(how do we know they don't kill some cells?).
I am playing my internal radio here. You hear it?
Often, we "see" things only from own perspective, without "hearing" others. So, I will try to tune in, and hear you in my next radio session, since I am making you "see" things from my perspective.
Disclaimer: above are based on my definition without checking the dictionary...and I believe deep down, we all know what it is, even though we may define things differently. Who needs the definition of time, thoughts and wavelength anyway?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Radiotherapy
Lying on a metal plate with grids, I was given strict instruction not to move. My left hand was positioned in such where I had to hold on to a rod above my head, so that my elbow formed an L shape. They put marker on my body, as if it will be used as shooting target. They put blanket to cover my legs and my waist. My left chest was exposed. My head was turned to the right side, my chin pushed up. "Don't move. I'll move you but you don't move." They left.
The room is cold. Light blinking. Sound of machine running at the background. Lights off. Lights on. The arm of the machine was being rotated from somewhere, and suddenly appeared beside me, then moved on top, about 2 feet above me, and stopped. Has the radiation started? No idea. More sound from the machine. Lights being turned on. Then off. Machine was rotated again.
Felt like a war victim being kept in a torture room. Especially with my head shaved, my nails bruised, my body used as a target, and put in an awkward captive position. I recited all the prayers that I know...it was definitely a state where I was fully present in the moment, experiencing every details....
Also felt like I was in the machine in Avatar, where I was being transported to another world, transformed into a new body, with new skills and ability I didn't have before. It was a whole new experience, full of excitement and fun! After all, the whole process took only a few minutes while I indulged in my own mental realm.
Pain? A little discomfort. My left hand a little numb, full of energy from the machine, I suppose. 2 down, 24 more days to go to complete the whole course. By the end of all these priviledged sessions, I'm sure I would have developed some super power and start speaking another language!
The room is cold. Light blinking. Sound of machine running at the background. Lights off. Lights on. The arm of the machine was being rotated from somewhere, and suddenly appeared beside me, then moved on top, about 2 feet above me, and stopped. Has the radiation started? No idea. More sound from the machine. Lights being turned on. Then off. Machine was rotated again.
Felt like a war victim being kept in a torture room. Especially with my head shaved, my nails bruised, my body used as a target, and put in an awkward captive position. I recited all the prayers that I know...it was definitely a state where I was fully present in the moment, experiencing every details....
Also felt like I was in the machine in Avatar, where I was being transported to another world, transformed into a new body, with new skills and ability I didn't have before. It was a whole new experience, full of excitement and fun! After all, the whole process took only a few minutes while I indulged in my own mental realm.
Pain? A little discomfort. My left hand a little numb, full of energy from the machine, I suppose. 2 down, 24 more days to go to complete the whole course. By the end of all these priviledged sessions, I'm sure I would have developed some super power and start speaking another language!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
CT Scan
Good news is CT Scan is clear! All the other details become insignificant, and just happy to know that no bad cells detected, for now. Spent the whole day in the hospital so time for Japanese!
(YH, sumimasen, oshiete kudasai.
Kesa hatchi ji kara yonji han made byoin ni shimashitaka. Soshite, ashita san ji ni byoin e ikimasu.)
(YH, sumimasen, oshiete kudasai.
Kesa hatchi ji kara yonji han made byoin ni shimashitaka. Soshite, ashita san ji ni byoin e ikimasu.)
Friday, May 14, 2010
COE
A parcel came today on DHL. It has a little note with COE, Certificate of Eligibility, a document issued by Ministry of Justice, Japanese Government. This is required for my VISA application to Japan, under the category of Cultural Activities.
So, I guess this is it. I am going to Japan! Nihon o ikimasu! Well, life is so unpredictable that I can't be sure it will happen until it really happens.
Let's see how the CT scan goes next Tuesday before I apply for VISA. And they want a photo with white background! I wonder if I could use photoshop to change the background or I would have to take a picture with my bald head, and the very few surviving eyebrows(they are countable now).
It's been a long time since I last travel to another country (other than Singapore, which I went for 2nd opinion last November)... it was a year ago...last May, Shanghai Huang Shan trip, and last March Yogyakarta, with beautiful memories. I guess I have a travel bug that outlasts even the strongest medicine, at least the chemo. And this time, it's not just another trip, but a journey which means more than ever...
So, I guess this is it. I am going to Japan! Nihon o ikimasu! Well, life is so unpredictable that I can't be sure it will happen until it really happens.
Let's see how the CT scan goes next Tuesday before I apply for VISA. And they want a photo with white background! I wonder if I could use photoshop to change the background or I would have to take a picture with my bald head, and the very few surviving eyebrows(they are countable now).
It's been a long time since I last travel to another country (other than Singapore, which I went for 2nd opinion last November)... it was a year ago...last May, Shanghai Huang Shan trip, and last March Yogyakarta, with beautiful memories. I guess I have a travel bug that outlasts even the strongest medicine, at least the chemo. And this time, it's not just another trip, but a journey which means more than ever...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Chemo Cycle Completed
Did 6 cycles of chemo, 3 weeks apart, started first one on January 15th with weight 50.5kg, yesterday 6th chemo weighing 54.5kg, gaining 4kg in 3.5 months!
It was another long day but much better than the previous one. Suffered from discomfort about 10-15 minutes after they started Taxotere, so requested them to stop, and rested for about 30-45 minutes with saline, while they monitored my heart beat, blood pressure, and did ECG, but without Oxygen this time. Upon recovery, the chemo continued. Am doing surprisingly well today, apart from that funny "metalic" taste in the mouth, no major fatigue. So, I keep drinking water, lemon grass drink, barley, and some fruits. Time to go marketing to replenish carrot and fruits for juices.
Next treatment plan is Radiotherapy (5 weeks x 5 = 25) plus one year Herceptin(every 3 week so 17 cycles). Luckily I have good stamina to go the extra miles...
It was another long day but much better than the previous one. Suffered from discomfort about 10-15 minutes after they started Taxotere, so requested them to stop, and rested for about 30-45 minutes with saline, while they monitored my heart beat, blood pressure, and did ECG, but without Oxygen this time. Upon recovery, the chemo continued. Am doing surprisingly well today, apart from that funny "metalic" taste in the mouth, no major fatigue. So, I keep drinking water, lemon grass drink, barley, and some fruits. Time to go marketing to replenish carrot and fruits for juices.
Next treatment plan is Radiotherapy (5 weeks x 5 = 25) plus one year Herceptin(every 3 week so 17 cycles). Luckily I have good stamina to go the extra miles...
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