Merdeka

Exactly a year ago on this date, I was working on the deadline for the API proposal. It was a significant date, not only because it was the National Day for Malaysia, but it was also the day where Japanese nation casted their votes to put the then opposition party, the Democratic Party of Japan(DPJ) in power, after being ruled by the Liberal Democratic Party(LDP) for almost the entire period. Little did I know when I decided to apply for API a week prior to the deadline that it would be a very significant date, not just for Japan, but for myself. A quick, last minute decision, with some determination and passion, lots of help from friends (especially the one who was awarded the previous year), the proposal was made. A year later, here I am now, in Japan, to implement the proposed project.

What happened in the past one year was history but life has taken a new form since. In the past, work took precedence of almost everything because of the fixed hours and the instinctive nature to excel. Now, the project is the core of my life, but the approach is totally different. This time, I focus on living, and not doing. I enjoy the moments instead of trying to do everything. Somehow, things work well, without me doing too many things, and without me trying too hard to prove myself.

My time is spent on researching, reading, learning, networking, observing, reflecting, and shooting or interviewing is only part of the process. Not forgetting also marketing(bargain hunting for groceries), cooking, eating, washing, commuting and sleeping which remains the basic maintenance of life.

Sometimes, things happen in such that it seems to leave us with no choice, but it is in living each moment, through the choices we make or do not make, consciously or not, that define who we are.

A Whole New World

In a different country using a different language, learning different culture, I am leading a new life. It's been a great experience since touching down, with lots of action. We have explored almost a few cities, using various types of trains or metro/subway/lines, seeing many places within the past 2 weeks. We have received such warm welcome and made so many good contacts that it feels unreal! Even strangers on the street are so warm and helpful, let alone the new friends we have made.

Too many things happened and I'm sure much more will follow. While being mindful of my body and energy level, I am committed to lead a fruitful journey in the new world.

So, allow me to sign out here, knowing that I am making the best out of each moment. It's been great knowing that many friends back home and abroad have cared for me, and helped me through this difficult journey. It does not mean the journey ahead will be easier, but what's life without the unforseen challenges?

All the best to my friends who read/follow this blog. May you find peace and happiness in each moment....

Counting

Counting down...as tomorrow is to be my last radio session. I've gone for 25 sessions so far, so tomorrow with be 26th, but accoding to the radiologists and the doctor, there will be some boosters, maybe 3 more, so still hopeful to complete whatever "bonus" within this week.

Really looking forward to it. I've been counting in the radio session...around 300 counts with the shield plus 100 counts without the shield. So, about 5 minutes all in, I guess.

If I've summed up all my treatment time, I must have clocked in at least 300 hours(most time are spent waiting), at least 60 hospital visits (including consultation, blood test, chemo, radio), over 20 blood tests, 13 injections(excluding chemo), a few scans, apart from the hard core chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

The lesson learnt... to give it all, to face life, and death, and whatever that comes in between... to just be...

Live Life and Relay for Life

There were 2 events last Saturday, 5th June. In the morning, at Botanical Garden, Mt Mariam organized Survivors' Day with the slogan "Live Life" printed on white T-shirt, and in the evening at Youth Park, there was a huge "Relay For Life" event with hundreds or maybe over thousand people in different colours, orange for survivor, blue, purple, etc...for other organizations.

It's a pity that in both events, there were not a great deal of "public education", apart from one notice board. And CM's speech was just full of chunky phrases like "When I see you, I see life" with little meaning.

Anyway, we all have to live through life on our own strides... and find our own meaning ...

TIME, THOUGHTS and RADIO

What is time? It's a measurement to define each and every moment that we experience. The time when we were born, the time when we are happy, the past, the future, and the present moment.

What's the time now? As we speak, the time changes, moving forward. Often, we say, no time, even when we are alive, and experiencing the moment. We have no time for certain things because we are busy doing other things, which we consciously choose to do, or we habitually do without having to think about it.

The truth is that, even when we die, time continue to exist, as a measurement. What we leave behind, could be memories for some others, or just moments in the past, (whether documented or not), or maybe some waves of thoughts that continue on, and changes along with time.

What is a thought? An idea, or a believe, or something that we experience spiritually (or non physically).
Is it important that we communicate what we are thinking of, or is it possible that the presence of our thoughts in itself is going to have some influence, in however neglegible quantum to this world?

Just like the radiotherapy(I don't know the definition) I am undergoing. Even though we cannot detect the radiowaves with our eyes, we know something is happening(suppose to kill some cells). So, in the same manner, when we all have our thoughts playing, even if others' could not detect it with their ears, they exist(how do we know they don't kill some cells?).

I am playing my internal radio here. You hear it?

Often, we "see" things only from own perspective, without "hearing" others. So, I will try to tune in, and hear you in my next radio session, since I am making you "see" things from my perspective.

Disclaimer: above are based on my definition without checking the dictionary...and I believe deep down, we all know what it is, even though we may define things differently. Who needs the definition of time, thoughts and wavelength anyway?

Radiotherapy

Lying on a metal plate with grids, I was given strict instruction not to move. My left hand was positioned in such where I had to hold on to a rod above my head, so that my elbow formed an L shape. They put marker on my body, as if it will be used as shooting target. They put blanket to cover my legs and my waist. My left chest was exposed. My head was turned to the right side, my chin pushed up. "Don't move. I'll move you but you don't move." They left.

The room is cold. Light blinking. Sound of machine running at the background. Lights off. Lights on. The arm of the machine was being rotated from somewhere, and suddenly appeared beside me, then moved on top, about 2 feet above me, and stopped. Has the radiation started? No idea. More sound from the machine. Lights being turned on. Then off. Machine was rotated again.

Felt like a war victim being kept in a torture room. Especially with my head shaved, my nails bruised, my body used as a target, and put in an awkward captive position. I recited all the prayers that I know...it was definitely a state where I was fully present in the moment, experiencing every details....

Also felt like I was in the machine in Avatar, where I was being transported to another world, transformed into a new body, with new skills and ability I didn't have before. It was a whole new experience, full of excitement and fun! After all, the whole process took only a few minutes while I indulged in my own mental realm.

Pain? A little discomfort. My left hand a little numb, full of energy from the machine, I suppose. 2 down, 24 more days to go to complete the whole course. By the end of all these priviledged sessions, I'm sure I would have developed some super power and start speaking another language!

CT Scan

Good news is CT Scan is clear! All the other details become insignificant, and just happy to know that no bad cells detected, for now. Spent the whole day in the hospital so time for Japanese!

(YH, sumimasen, oshiete kudasai.
Kesa hatchi ji kara yonji han made byoin ni shimashitaka. Soshite, ashita san ji ni byoin e ikimasu.)