Computerised Tomography

The first time I heard this phrase from Elisabet(a friend, and the contributor of previous article), I asked, "what is that?" when in fact I have already experienced it 3 times, and by now 4 times as I just did another one yesterday.

It is usually called CT scan here, referring to a big piece if sophisticated and futuristic looking machine in a an air conditioned room with a warning sign on the door, to alert the pregnant woman from entering. (I imagine the baby may turn out to be an alien after going through this CT scan)

Anyway, the result was...ehem... surprise, surprise,

1) most things were the same as previous scan(in July) - the hepatic lesions were still there, and reduced in size, and less well defined (which means there are still shadows in my liver, which is smaller now, so I suppose this is good)

2) there's also a new spot in my bones, which the report says was the same as previous scan (well, it was definetely not in the last report)

Well, it is either they forget to mention it in the last report, or they didn't think it's worth mentioning, or they didn't see the spot. Whatever it is, I now have 2 spots in the bone, and multiple spots in the liver.

So, more chemo.

The bad news is, my white blood cell was low, so no chemo today.
The good news is, my ALT and AST level(enzyme test) has dropped further, and even though it is still higher than normal, it is on the right trend.

So, off I go to see the doctor, and let's see how he interprets the scan, and my blood results....

FOUR SEASONS (by Elisabet)

When, back in 2006, I was diagnosed with breast cancer I couldn't believe it. I had been leading a healthy lifestyle: no smoking, no drinking, working full time but also finding the time to relax, to go to the gym, to swim, to go mountain trekking. I kept asking "Why? Why me?" There was no answer. I learnt the hard way that illness is a lottery, not only cancer, but other serious illnesses too, and that they can happen any time, to anyone. I was 36 then. After my surgery I was healed but had to undergo intensive chemotherapy. After taking some months to recover I went back to work and life became "normal" again.

Some time later, a colleague from work told me one day that she was feeling down because she turned 37 that day (she knew I had had breast cancer). I couldn't believe my ears and I said: "What? Isn't this what we all want? To get older? To become old and wrinkled but having every year the most precious gift of all: health?". She stared at me with round eyes, speechless for a while, and then she said: "How right you are! I think this is the wisest comment I've heard for a long time." I wasn't trying to make any wise comment, I was just speaking my mind.

January 2011: I was diagnosed with metastasis on my liver and some of my bones. This time was even harder. I thought I was going to die, but my oncologist gave me hope: "There is a treatment, you know? This is not the end". I was crying bitterly on her table, trying to retain her words, wanting to believe them, but fearing... scared to death.

I began to listen to my body, and my body told me nice things: it felt strong, it was getting ready for the fight again. I was 40. I was turning 41 the following month. I promised to myself and to my body that I would definitely celebrate my birthday the best I could. And so I did. I didn't shed a tear, I had a smile on my face all day and I embraced the congratulations from friends and relatives. The radiotherapy sessions for my right hip bones had ended successfully and a few days later I started a long chemotherapy treatment, which I am still undergoing with good results.

I indulge in my own meditations. The stronger my mind is, the stronger my body feels; the stronger my body is, the stronger my mind feels. It's a circle. And I follow my oncologist's advice all the way. She also wants what's best for me. Chemo is not a nice treatment, but it's the best we have nowadays. I may be on chemo for a year. The doctor tells me the longer, the better. And I think: "Yes, the longer I can live with good life quality, the better". So let's go on with chemo. I don't mind, I feel all right... I feel safe.

Coming from a country where we enjoy the four seasons of the year, when I came across the following quote by Albert Camus in a bookstore it meant so much... I always bear it in mind:

"In the toughest Winter I could finally learn that inside me there is an invincible Summer".

Mentally Mental

The last one week was a little different from previous weeks.

No Qi Gong. There was haze.
Not sleeping that well. The body does not want to sleep.
Not eating so well. Am at my heaviest point in life already! And no mood to cook.
Not drinking enough. Not feeling right.
Bones aching? Visions blurring?

Maybe it was what the doctor said. There will be a CT scan at the end of the month, and IF everything is clear, there are 2 more cycles of chemo.

Maybe it was my low wbc on Tuesday. I was so confident that I was doing everything right previously, and was prepared for my "hopefully last cycle", and yet my blood was marginally low so booster, then chemo was delayed.

Maybe it was my trip which didn't happen. I was planning to travel on Thursday and cancelled it to recover from chemo.

Maybe it was the 10 year anniversary of Sep 11th. And the 6 month anniversary of Japan earthquake.

Maybe it was the full moon last night.

Maybe i was just being mental. It is all up here... in the mind.

Even when all these happened, I was feeling contended, for every single moment, as I was still alive! Not complaining. Just live life as it is.

Life is full of surprises.
Learning to see things in a new light, like never before.
I am officially retired.
Yet, life is just beginning.

Yipee...

Going for 6th cycle of chemo...

Let's hope this is the last cycle. I asked the doctor, and he smiled but said he would not know until the next scan.

Sometimes I wish there are easier way... other than drawing blood sample and putting our body into machines. I ask myself, "how are you?". The answers are always the same "fine" as I really felt good most times, except for the some little episodes here and there, where I may have fractured my toes, or got bladder infection...

Anyway, please, let this be the last cycle...

Links and linkages

It's amazing how cancer has brought me new way of life, and renewed relationship with some of my relatives. Am so touched that so many relatives came forward to show their support. A cousin whom I have lost touch with for over 10 years sent me a long email after finding out about my condition. And there's a long list of information and links provided, some of them I am exploring.

While I am going back on chemo and trusting that I am making the best decision, getting the best treatment available, it does not stop me from reading or exploring... The longer I live, the more I believe that there is no "right" or "wrong", but from what perspective, and whose point of view. In some occasions, people justify killing or sacrificing lives, in the name of justice, or in order to save other lives. After all, we co-exist in this universe, and are related to each other in one way or another. So, if we are just a small part of a larger system, and we are all linked together in the same team, does it matter who is right and who is wrong?


http://www.tindakmalaysia.com/showthread.php/2540-Sabah-Snake-Grass

http://ganchinseng.blogspot.com/2011/04/clinathanussabah-snake-grass.html

http://www.mylongkang.com/2011/06/21/sabah-snake-grass-and-d-day-mri-scan/

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs020/1101631005260/archive/1104670902258.html

http://www.earthclinic.com/CURES/cancer.html#TED

http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/TreatmentTypes/hyperthermia

http://www.naturalnews.com/030817_heat_treatment_cancer_tumors.html

http://www.richters.com/show.cgi?page=QandA/Medicinal/20060507-2.html ( just a drink, nothing to lose).

http://www.whale.to/cancer/last.html

http://www.newmedicine.ca/

http://www.tigerflag.com/beatcan.html

Tumor marker back to normal!

Time to celebrate... tumor marker has gone down to normal level!

Doctor said, it is not up to human beings, but up to the one up there! What's important is to keep a strong mind, eat and live well, one day at a time.

CT and tumor marker improves

The nodules are still present, but are reduced in size. The largest discrete hepatic lesion is 1.3 cm.

Tumor marker is down from 135 to 38. (Normal is 32)

So, guess this is god news... So far...