Scan Result 31/10/2012

My CT Scan yesterday last paragraph
"Impression:"
"Previous left mastectomy for breast carcinoma with increased size of brain metastases, but no evidence in the chest, abdomen or pelvis"
"Stable bony lesions at L1 and L5 vertebrae."
It means that my other parts are clear execept brain. I still have multiple lesions/tumors in the brain to sort out. In short, I am well so not to worry. If I could survive 3 years, I could last few more at least. my oncologist not happy with the result and he will give me chemo, maintain old drugs and prescribe new one. This time, no disagreement from me, so I just did chemo today.

Time to eat. Its a blessing that I found this vegetarian caterer (behind B-suite hotel) and dad will cook some fish or organic chicken to ensure I have some meat. 

Also thanks to friends who show concern about scan result. 

Physio therapy

Started physiotherapy, and has been working on it everyday. Lucky that I have a great personal therapist, my dad, who spends time assisting me to perform my routine exercise. So far, so good. I still limped but I know to swift my body weight to the left to strenthen it. i still have problem with left hand but by next week hopely i get strainer on the wrist to straighten it. Baby step. I'm sure babies progress faster on average but I'm now learning tricks to "unlearn" and "relearn" ways to control my motor functions. It's always fun to learn new things, or to learn old things(simple thing like walking) in a new way!

Time (by Elisabet)

Time (by Elisabet) I am beginning to think that living until the age of 40 and above is a miracle. Life-threatening diseases, natural disasters, road accidents, mountain accidents... take along with them so many young lives! A meteorologist, good person, good colleague, good professional, who had been working at the Catalan TV channel, TV3, for 16 years passed away at the beginning of July at the age of 40 due to a mountain accident, overnight. It was not an especially difficult hike, but a series of misfortunes wanted him to end his days on his beloved mountains. I didn't know him personally, but we were used to his presence in our homes, through the TV, while having lunch or dinner. He was someone so familiar, so enthusiastic, who would come often to update us about the weather; big issue, the ever-changing weather, in an area where we enjoy (and suffer!) the four seasons. Some days before this took place I had read the article on this blog dated June 22, 2012, where that nice comparison was made between mountain hikes and radiotherapy. My mind went immediately to it. While things like this happen we continue living. Cancer is a very strange illness; except for the most unfortunate cases in which the diagnosis takes place too late and the end comes too soon, it is an illness that gives us something we always longed for, or used to complain we never had enough, or we usually ran out of: time. Even with metastases we have learnt the hard way that there's still time ahead of us and we treasure it more than ever. We feel we are “buying time”, indeed. Cancer has given me a different perception of time, a way to discern what's really important from what's not. There's been a change in priorities and I stopped doing long-term planning. Now I do short-term and mid-term planning (short-term meaning tomorrow; mid-term meaning next week, next month). Not that I don't think about next year and the following years; I do it with hope, but not with the urgency to plan on anything. Cancer has taught me to slow down and at the same time to stop postponing things I had been wanting to do. They may be simple things such as watching that film, or reading that book, or bigger things provided my present situation allows me to do them. The meteorologist couldn't “buy” any extra time. Of course he was spared from the physical and psychological burden that an illness like cancer implies, but while he's already gone we are still here to share our thoughts and experiences, our stories, our side effects... here to enjoy life, to experience happiness in different ways that can be unexpectedly highly rewarding... here to fight, here to keep holding on to life like climbers holding on to the rocky mountain walls.

Free and Busy

When asked, what do you do with your free time? My answer could be "I don't have free time." or another way of interpreting could be "I am free all the time". Free time usually refers to time after work, free slots without fixed appointment. From the usual understanding, anyone who has no "fixed work" probably have lots of free time. More than ever, my time is spent living and healing, consciously deciding how i would spend my "free time", which is now. "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans" - my favourite verse from a song. I am now using my free time to blog and to let everyone know that I'm happy to still be alive! I am now busy blogging to thank everyone for the encouragements and loves that fill up my live.

ct scan post whole brain radiotherapy

Well, CT scan showed "lesions in both cellebellar hemisphere are not measureable, appearing as poorly defined enhancing lesions." So, at least it's good news for now. Even though I am now getting slight numbness on my right fingers and toes, still working on recovering my motor skills, and most important of all, my constipation, at least it's comforting to know that there's no new lesion. Thank you for all your prayers, wishes, supports and encouragements!

How are you?

A very simple question, with kind intention, but very tricky to answer, especially via sms. Firstly I have to guess the intent of this querer - does he or she know about my recent metastases? What replies should I give? If I answer with the standard, "fine, thank you," it seems ingenuine to close ones, but if I reply with details, there are simply too many things to say. So, for those who just ask once in a while, I might say, "Thx for thinking of me. Coping well, n hope you are well." Here are just a few one liners that pop up for those who know my recent situation. "I finished radiotherapy with no apparrent progress but surviving." "I now walk with a stick." "My left fingers can't function so I type with right hand only." "Spiritually strong but phyisically challenged." "Still on chemo, n surviving." But none of these comfort my friends who probably just want to convey that they remember me, so maybe the best reply is "how are you?" which to me is just too polite. So, often I choose to just leave the message unreplied. So, thank you for your concerns and well wishes - I just thought it's easier for me not to reply without replying properly. It's great to be remembered but maybe I preferred to be remembered also about my other dimensions in life apart from my cancer journey?

Survived 15 whole brain radiotherapy sessions

Completed all 15 sessions. Even though my motor function has worsen compared to the beginning of treatment, at aleast I survived, with no obvious brain side effects like memory loss- i remember my passwords! The doctor says it takes time to allow my nerve to rebuild/reconnect and it's left to be seen how much I would improve, in time. Only a scan could tell how the tumor(s) responded to the treatment but this should have controlled the growth. In fact I have been thinking that this is less demanding than the hiking tours I did - in unpredictable weather condition that included hail storm, blizzard, exposed to environmental risk in a foreign land - and I survived. This treatment put me in controlled environment, with side effects like fatique, mild diarrhea, and hair loss, but these all happen in the luxurious home environment where i have access to comfortable bed, food and care, at any time. This is very different from the high risk environment out in the wild, with physical and muscular exhaustion after hours of hiking, not knowing what awaits ahead, but simply immersed in the presence of unknown. For me, I would rather do the hiking circuits hundred times over to avoid 1 treatment which only lasts a few minutes but guess the treatment was not all that demanding when put under a simple comparison.